Are we still negotiating, or have we just become very good at trying to win?
We negotiate every day. With clients, partners and investors. With our teams and our children. Sometimes even with ourselves.
Yet the negotiations that matter most seem to be getting harder, not easier.
Look at the headlines. Wars that don't end. Countries that can't agree on borders, security or trade. Leaders who refuse to sit in the same room. Agreements that take years to reach and then fall apart within months.
After more than two decades of building businesses and partnerships across Asia and the Middle East, I keep coming back to one question: are we actually negotiating, or are we simply trying to win?
There is a big difference. A negotiation is not a boxing match, with one winner and one loser. The best negotiations create something both sides can live with, and want to keep.
It sounds simple. In practice, it is one of the hardest things leaders do.
The problem with positions
One of the biggest mistakes in negotiation is confusing a position with an interest.
Someone says, "I want this." We immediately start arguing about whether they should get it. The better question is: "Why do you want it?" That one question can change the whole conversation.
A customer asking for a 20% discount may not care about the discount at all. Their real concern may be cash flow.
An employee demanding a promotion may be looking for recognition, responsibility or a clear path forward.
A partner insisting on control may be worried about being left out of the decisions that matter.
Countries are no different. Behind demands about territory, trade or alliances sit deeper interests: security, influence, economic survival, political pressure, national identity and fear of what comes next.
When we negotiate only with positions, we fight. When we understand interests, we have something to work with.
The discount that wasn't about price
A long-standing enterprise client tells your team they will not renew unless you cut the annual fee by 20%. The sales team starts modelling how much margin they can give away.
Instead, you ask why. It turns out the client's CFO has frozen all upfront payments this year. Price is not the problem. Timing is.
You keep the full contract value and move to quarterly billing, with a modest loyalty credit in year two. The client solves its cash-flow problem. You protect your margin. Nobody had to "lose" anything.
The partner who wanted 51%
A prospective joint-venture partner in a new market insists on majority ownership. Talks stall for weeks over a single percentage point.
When you dig deeper, the 51% is not about money. Their board fears being sidelined on hiring and local strategy, as happened in a previous venture.
The deal closes at 50/50, with reserved matters giving the partner a veto on local hiring and a seat chairing the operations committee. Their real interest, a voice, was met without changing the economics.
The ego problem
Then there is ego, and it is not limited to politicians. I've seen it in boardrooms, sales meetings and partnerships. People would sometimes rather walk away from a good deal than feel they "lost."
That is dangerous. Negotiation is not about proving you are smarter. It is about creating an outcome that works.
Sometimes the smartest move is to give the other side a small win. Not because you are weak, but because people need a reason to say yes.
This matters even more in diplomacy. Imagine a leader who has spent months promising never to compromise, then discovers that compromise is the only realistic path. Now the problem is not just the deal. It is explaining the deal at home.
That is why face-saving matters.
Letting the other CEO announce it
Two companies have agreed on almost every term of a strategic partnership. The last sticking point is not money. It is who "wins" the story in the press.
You let the partner's CEO make the announcement, lead the joint launch event and frame the partnership as their expansion into the region. You keep the terms that matter to you: exclusivity, pricing and data ownership.
It costs you a headline. It gets you the deal.
Negotiation is not about being nice
Good negotiation does not mean being soft. You can be firm without being aggressive. You can hold boundaries without insulting the other side. You can say no without closing the door forever. And you can walk away when the deal doesn't make sense.
Knowing your alternative is one of the most important parts of negotiation. Negotiators call it your BATNA: the best alternative to a negotiated agreement. If you don't know what you will do when the other side says no, you are not negotiating from strength. You are hoping.
The vendor who called the bluff
A key technology vendor raises prices 35% at renewal, assuming you have no choice. Six months earlier, your team quietly qualified a second provider and ran a small pilot.
You don't threaten. You calmly share that you have a credible alternative and would prefer to stay if the terms are fair. The increase settles at 8%, with a two-year price lock.
The alternative did the negotiating. You only had to mention it.
Fix your boundaries, not the outcome
Knowing your walk-away point is essential. Deciding the final outcome before you sit down is something else entirely, and it is one of the quietest ways to kill a negotiation.
When the result is already scripted, we stop listening. New information feels like resistance instead of opportunity. Every question becomes a tactic to steer the other side toward a conclusion we wrote the night before. And people can feel it. Nobody wants to take part in a negotiation that is really a performance.
The discipline is to hold two things at once:
What is fixed: your values, your non-negotiables and your walk-away point.
What stays open: the shape of the deal itself, which should grow out of the conversation.
Many peace talks fail exactly here. Each side arrives with a final map already drawn and a speech already written for the people back home. There is nothing left to discover, so nothing moves.
The merger nobody planned
Two founders meet to discuss an acquisition. One arrives determined to buy; the other is determined not to sell. Both have their numbers locked in.
Halfway through, it becomes clear that what each really wants is access to the other's market, not ownership. They drop their scripts. The result is a cross-distribution partnership with a joint product line and an option to revisit equity in three years.
Neither got the outcome they walked in with. Both got a better one.
What geopolitics can teach business leaders
A boardroom negotiation looks nothing like a peace summit. Underneath, the dynamics are surprisingly similar.
| A country... | A company... |
|---|---|
| Worries about security | Worries about risk |
| Wants influence | Wants market share |
| Protects its territory | Protects its customers |
| Builds alliances | Builds partnerships |
| Answers to its citizens | Answers to its shareholders and board |
| Has a BATNA if talks fail | Has a BATNA if the deal fails |
The scale is different. The psychology is not.
Curiosity: the most underrated negotiation skill
We often assume great negotiators are great talkers. I think listening matters more.
Before asking, "How do I convince them?", ask, "What am I missing?"
What are they afraid of?
What are they trying to protect?
What pressure are they under, including from people who are not in the room?
What would make them comfortable enough to move?
What does success look like from their side of the table?
And the most important question of all: what can I offer that is valuable to them but costs me very little?
That is where negotiation gets interesting. The solution is rarely sitting on your side of the table. It is usually somewhere in between.
What our traditions already knew
Long before negotiation became a business-school subject, it was a moral one. Across faiths and cultures, the same principle appears again and again: treat others as you would want to be treated.
Islam teaches that none of us truly believes until we love for our brother what we love for ourselves. Jesus taught, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Rabbi Hillel summed up the Torah as, "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow." Confucius advised, "Do not impose on others what you do not wish for yourself."
That is not a soft idea. It is the most practical negotiation rule there is. If you would not accept a deal that humiliates you, don't expect the other side to accept one that humiliates them.
The Qur'an puts the attitude to peace simply: "And if they incline to peace, then incline to it also" (8:61). Not "wait until they surrender." Incline.
Many of his companions saw the terms as a defeat. Yet the treaty brought a period of peace that allowed trust, trade and relationships to grow, and the Qur'an later described it as a clear victory.
The lesson is timeless. He held firm on what truly mattered, let go of what didn't, gave the other side room to say yes, and did not insist that the outcome look like a win on day one.
Whatever our faith, or none, the message is the same. The person across the table is a human being with fears, hopes and people to answer to. Negotiating with that in mind is not weakness. It is wisdom.
My 10 rules for negotiating without a loser
These are the principles I try to follow, whether the table is a boardroom, a partner's office or the kitchen at home.
- 01 Ask "why" before you answer "what," then listen. Every position hides an interest. The other side will usually tell you what they need, if you give them room.
- 02 Know your walk-away before you walk in. Define your BATNA and your bottom line in writing, before the first meeting.
- 03 Fix your boundaries, not the outcome. Be clear on your values and limits, and stay open on the shape of the deal. The best solution is often one nobody brought into the room.
- 04 Separate the person from the problem. Be hard on the issue and respectful to the people. Today's opponent is often tomorrow's partner.
- 05 Trade what is cheap for you and valuable to them. Payment terms, timelines, recognition and flexibility often cost little and unlock a lot.
- 06 Design their "yes." Ask how the other side will explain this deal to their boss, board or public, and help them do it.
- 07 Never let ego price the deal. If you would walk away mainly to avoid "losing," you are about to lose.
- 08 Be firm, not hostile. Say no clearly, without closing the door. Leave every meeting with a reason to meet again.
- 09 Honour the human across the table. Offer the terms you would accept if you were in their place. Never win through deception or humiliation.
- 10 Build a deal worth keeping. An agreement one side resents will be broken. Build in reviews, clear metrics and fair exits, and protect the relationship beyond the deal.
The world doesn't need more winners
We live in a time when everything is framed as a contest. Win or lose. Us or them. Right or wrong. Strong or weak.
Some problems are too complex for that kind of thinking. The biggest negotiations, between countries, companies, communities and families, need something different.
Not surrender. Not weakness. Not giving in.
Understanding.
Perhaps the real skill is not getting the other side to agree with you. It is finding a way for both sides to move forward without losing what matters most to them.
Our faiths and traditions have told us this for centuries. Incline to peace. Treat others as you would be treated. Leave room for the other side to say yes with dignity.
In a world that is more connected, more competitive and sometimes more divided, that may be one of the most important skills any of us can learn.
What's the hardest negotiation you've been part of?
I'd genuinely like to hear. Connect on LinkedIn and share your story.